No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.