I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Meow
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.