i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.