I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Growing up was a huge mistake
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.