Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My work here is done
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook