My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
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First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
doing some research
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.