Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Hamburger Hinderer.
Never let them know your next move 😂
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
(Electricians.)
Every BBC series about the universe.
all bases covered
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.