[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.