be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m giving up for Lent.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Now, where’s the sport in that?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.