ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”