Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”