Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
My boss called in sick of me
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir