*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Always…
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk