i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”