Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Imma just leave this here…………
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.