There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues