Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
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12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Interior design 👌
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’m tired tomorrow.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit