*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.