For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right