i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
me hitting on a model
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.