If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
How wrong was this guy?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.