Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
You Might Also Like
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Pretty much. 🤣
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
When I snag the last meatball.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed