Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Seek kebab; not attention
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”