Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“no gods no masters” = leo
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates