[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately