Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
The USS B port
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Happy birthday to all the women
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.