Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish