The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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45.01~ gas pumps
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!