it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
You Might Also Like
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”