I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
the best thing i’ve ever made
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Doggies just call it style.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Succinctly put.