Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Mad Max Arctic Road
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Strangers have the best candy.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…