My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
There is wisdom there.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.