Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You Might Also Like
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
want me to check your oil?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Tough love is true love
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.