therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Said the murderer.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?