Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
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the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“You’d better run, egg!”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.