The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
You Might Also Like
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’ve had relationships like this
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
water it, i dare you
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
felt that