I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I have so many questions.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I think I’m having a stroke
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]