found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Nice try Hitler
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.