Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Buck naked
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
screw you
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy