Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Venn
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.