*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
can’t believe I got front row seats
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.