Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
🤣😈🤣
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”