If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Just why bro?!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.