“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*