Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
You Might Also Like
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]