Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*