Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
“OMGJK” -atheists
#oldknees
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.