As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
my nickname in college
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird