*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
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*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.