I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.